Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today (part 2) by spoiledgirl.
I’m 33 and it’s taking me all this time to finally realize that there are some things really hurting me concerning my dad. Recently, after getting off the phone with him and once again failing to draw approval, a connection, a laugh, anything from him, I finally couldn’t ignore how it was making me feel. I just stood there not breathing and my bf noticed and came to ask me what was wrong. I didn’t even feel it coming on and I was shocked as I burst out crying and said out loud for the first time, my dad doesn’t like me.
I told my bf about how my dad rarely seems interested I what I say or think, and if he does it is usually critical in some way, that he talks over me, likes me better when I’m quiet, doesn’t praise me out loud like my bf’s parents do for him, doesn’t show support on the rare occasion that I feel inspired to accomplish something, he just stays silent. And I said, if he really ever wanted me than why did he forget me at daycare or not show up to pick me up for the weekends when I was little. I still remember how hard I would cry over that, but I thought I was over it a long time ago. But that day as I said it out loud I realised I wasn’t over it, and it seemed I was angry even.
Please don’t misunderstand. My dad is NOT a bad person and I love and appreciate all he has provided for me. He stopped drinking and started spending time with me, or bringing me along for fishing and camping trips. I TREASURED that time and made sure I was always on perfect behavior, and I never whined about anything bc I wanted him to like me. And for a time things got better, he played with me, took me to movies, and I started to feel loved.
But then I became a teenager and everything slowly started changing, I feel he pulled away but maybe it was something I did wrong. He often had images of women like playboy or other things around, and he appreciated sexy, beautiful women. Actually I saw much worse things than that on account of his friends bringing porn material around and that really messed up my head as a little girl. It made me sad and depressed and once I became a teen I began dressing very sexy, yet HATING every moment of it. I still don’t know why I did it. But I grew up feeling sad and empty, like my worth was only in my looks and even that wasn’t enough to make him truly proud. I felt being a girl in this world was a horrible punishment and burden on myself and my family. I never got into drugs but instead became extremely shy and reclusive.
I feel angry that boys and men had been abusive to me from the time I was little and up through high school bc I had no one to stand up for me. My dad never asked me about school or my feelings even though some traumatising things had happened which he knew about. Eventually, when I would be assaulted by some boy or man I stopped telling anyone bc I thought it was my problem. I feel so guilty typing all of this he has been there to help raise me, he took me to Disney world and has spent a lot of money on me but I don’t want money I just want him to validate me and like me.
