Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by Jenny.
I grew up with a mom and dad, but I always felt like my dad did not love me, at times I used to think that perhaps I was adopted. And although this might sound weird I wanted to believe that at one point because it made me find a reason for the behavior and somewhat understand.
I am the oldest of three, a sister and a brother. My father was very strict, critical, and disciplined me a lot by hitting me with the belt. I was even told at times when I did something wrong that I was a retard, to the point that I started to kind of believe it. I grew up to be a very rebellious person. I did not like authority, fought a lot, and was insecure. Now I’m in my 30’s and I had to work with these demons that I believe he created.
I am a hard worker and like to be almost perfect at everything I do, and if I don’t do something right, now I took my dad’s position because I am harsh on myself. As a young female I was promiscuous and treated men like shit, as if I need to be in control and did not allowed anyone to tell me nothing. Now I still at times find myself needing the approval of others and I hate that about myself. I had build a wall were people don’t really know these things about me because I appear strong, confident, and in control, but that’s not my reality. I’m very shy and when I tell people that knows me this they are very surprised. But thats because I’m very shy in situations that I have no control over, where I’m being judge. Interviews are a nightmare to me, and I don’t get to show the real me and might have lost good opportunities.
As an employee I think I’m one of the best, because I have this need to be the best at anything that I do, and although that might sound positive for me is not because I worked harder than the average person because I need to feel that I am good at what I do more than anything. I do well in positions where I’m the leader. But when I am the leader I tend to be more of a team player I work so that people don’t feel what I felt, I tried to work with them and never like others to feel as they are lower than me. I tried not to repeat my story with others, and it does work for me.
Like Juels, my biggest insecurity stems from failure and more so rejection. I’m currently in my last semester in nursing and I’m very scared that by the time I start working I will feel like she does, unsure of myself, stupid and lack confidence. Because as a nurse you can’t be this way you have to be confident you are working with other peoples lives.
I have spoken to my dad about it at some point in my life and I have tried to forgive him. It helped me in some ways because I was able to move forward and stop using it as an excuse for not doing better for myself. But sometimes when something goes wrong in my life I get a reminder and sometimes relapse. I wish I could get over it and be normal, but I guess this will be something I will have to work on till the day I die.
