Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by juels.
Hi,
My father is a workaholic. He never is home (stays at work until midnight, 2am, or never comes home) aside from on the weekend. It has been this way since I was born.
When he is home it’s like he isn’t even present. Often he is reading the newspaper, working on more work, or lost in a sports game. I try and talk to him but it takes him a very long time to respond to me, so I give up. He seems to have no interest in my life, and probably couldn’t even tell you where I work, what my future plans are or what my interests are. Sometimes when I am talking to my sister or mom about something light hearted he will interrupt to tell me not use swear words. I would say most of the time he only talks to me to discipline me “you and your sister can clean up the kitchen”, “you don’t do enough around here”. I feel that it is very unfair because he only is there to see me on the weekends. He misses all the cooking and cleaning I do all week long.
I have not been seeking out sex from males like you would assume as a girl with no relationship with her father. I think this is because my mom has been a very strong support in my life and has been helpful in teaching me how to respect my body, dressing modestly and to get to know someone really well before sleeping with them.
In terms of my sex life there are some issues. I do have a hard time reaching orgasm with my boyfriends.. I feel afraid to, I literally fight them and wiggle my body away so I can’t have one and sometimes want to cry/ am mad at myself for not relaxing and allowing it to happen. On my own I am do orgasm with no problem, so I know that is not the issue. I wonder if this has something to do with not having a relationship with my father? It’s like I don’t trust my partner fully so giving myself to them sexually is very challenging for me. I also notice I enjoy sex that is more aggressive (getting spanked, little bites, etc), and I do not know where that comes from.
My relationships have never lasted past 7 months. Aside from the “puppy love” I experienced in high-school that lasted close to 3 years. That relationship was very unheatlhy (he cheated on me, was often focused on my physical appearance, we fought daily, and he was very jealous). I honestly do not think I ever loved him, it was lust. Since then I am happy to say that my relationships have been much more positive. I haven’t heard a man say “I love you” since I was 18 and that was from the boy in my unhealthy “puppy love” relationship. The fact that I have not heard it is upsetting and currently all I want is to have someone love me. I know the usual advice for that last comment goes like this: you need to learn to love yourself first. I 100% agree with that, and I do love myself (I am working on gaining more confidence though) but I can’t help but wanting that love from a man. I sometimes worry I will never find that.
Often in my relationships with men I push them away without meaning to. For example, 5 months into a relationship I grew concerned my boyfriend would never tell me that he loved me. I asked him if he ever was going to love me (that was very unfair of me to ask him). He grew nervous that I wanted something more serious than he could give me. During our break up that occurred days after the conversation he said he could have been with me for a long time but that he did not want to hurt me because wasn’t sure if he could tell me for certain that he would fall in love with me. That was the hardest break up I have ever been through. I could not eat for weeks without throwing up because I have no appetite. I could physically feel that my heart was broken.
My most recent relationship ended because my partner left to travel. At the start of the relationship we mutually decided to continue dating but to break it off when he left. He came home recently from his wordily trip only to leave again for the summer. A part of me feels like if I was enough he would have wanted to stay here after returning from his trip. The relationship lasted 7 months and although it was a wonderful relationship with no issues, the break up was much easier to handle than the relationship prior. I think it was because 1) I knew we were breaking up and 2) I did not make the mistake of questioning about whether he would love me. 3) I do not truly believe that it is over for good but I am open to dating other people, and exploring myself further.
I believe that he did love me though and I loved him as well, we understood each other and each others needs very well. Literally just as I was typing this response he texted me with his new number. I was skeptical that he would as it has been a while since he left.
As a little girl I thought it was normal not to have your Dad around until my mom told me “daddy’s are suppose to come home, I don’t want you to grow up thinking this is what you deserve in a husband”
My question is.. how do you think I have been affected by my workaholic father if my mother has done her best to compensate and teach me to be respectful of myself? I know that as much as she has tried, there are still some residual effects. I want to be aware of them and begin working through them.
juels Also Commented
So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Also, I am 21 years old, and I just completed my degree in nursing. My biggest insecurity stems from failure and more so rejection. I have a 3.7 GPA but in the working world I feel unsure of myself, stupid and lack confidence. I feel as though I attract males fairly easily, I am kind and caring, and very picky when it comes to guys (not really a good thing). I do not want to marry my father, I want a mate that is educated, attractive and talkative.
In junior high I was bullied by a group of boys. The would point out my physical features that they thought were ugly on a daily basis, and make fun of the things I would say in class. My relationship with my brothers is also weak. One of my brothers picks on me and says that is what brothers are suppose to do. The other I rarely see as he is moved out. I noticed I can be defensive. It is safe to say that I do not have positive male relationships in my life.
My life father-daughter relationship could be way worse.. when I read comments about physical and emotional abuse I honestly questioned whether I even write a response because I can’t even imagine how hard that would be to go through. I hope you ladies find love and support in your lives and continue to stay strong <3.
