Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by Alessan.
Hello Sarah,
As I have just had one of my usual arguments with my father, I turned to google out of frustration on negative effects of strained father daughter relationships, and came upon your website which I find to be incredibly interesting and quit relatable in my perspective.
As I read through your article I continually saw the similarities you discussed which relates to my relationship with my father. I am only 18 years old, although at times I find myself feeling much older due to my troubled relationship with my father.
I am the daughter of a portuguese Canadian immigrant. Similar to many other stories out there, my father immigrated to Canada at only 18 years old after being treated badly by his own father, as he continually tells me, he came here with only 100 dollars in his pocket. Married my Canadian mother and ended up becoming a very wealthy self employed businessman.
Also very similar to your story of the woman named L, I was brought up in a house of much privilege and wealth due to my fathers hard work. I am the oldest of three children and I have two younger brothers.
Growing up my father was continually verbally mean at times. He continuously would call me fat as I was a chubby child, and he made rude remarks about how I was a lazy useless child. I can probably count on one hand the number of times my father has ever said I love you to me. Although as a child I was well aware that my father did love me but only because my mother continually explained to me that my father does not know how to show love and his type of love is shown through money or gifts.
As I am now in university and at the same age as my father when he moved to my county. Our relationship has become much more strained. He continually never fails to acknowledge the fact that when he was my age he had to make his own money and no one offered him the chance to have an education.
It is as though now he is more resentful towards me then he ever was to me as a child. With my younger brothers he provides them with laughter and the love that I never saw growing up. Although when he sees me he is cold and distant and if I try to say something he looks at me in utter disgust.
growing up and even through high school I was a very well behaved young girl. I never dared do something that would upset my father.
As I had what I would call my first serious dating relationship last year (which my father knew nothing about) I found my self realizing how insecure I really was towards a man. I found my self not trusting the guy I was dating even though he was an incredible guy with good morales. I ended up purposely cheating on him because I was so worried that he would end up hurting me first so I wanted to end the relationship on my terms. Still to this day my friends continually acknowledge how crazy I was for hurting such a good guy who had so much to offer me.
I know for a fact that my actions towards my ex boyfriend was due to my troubled relationship with my father. As I know I am still young and naive, I have made it clear to my mother that my father must make an effort to display his love for me or after university I might be forced to not want anymore contact due to the intense stress it has caused me at my young age.
I know there are many great and wonderful men out there, as I have witnessed from my grandfather on my mother side and the fathers of my best friends who show their love so deeply towards their daughters. Although at times it makes me very sad that my father could not display his love for me that way, It has also given me hope that hopefully one day in the future when I have learned to handle another dating relationship, then I will find a wonderful man who will love my future children the way I wished I was loved.
Ale,
