Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by Michael J Pommer.
I am a failure, if I cannot repair the bond betweem my perfect little girl, Sage and I. I am a 38 yr old estranged father of an amazing, sweet, intelligent, kind, and beautiful 12 yr old lady. I am unemployed, mentally ill and a recovering addict. I was homeless for 7 years during which I only saw Sage a couple times. It was never for a lack of love for my Angel.
I did the best I could at the time, often begging and sometimes yelling at her mother on the phone, trying to get to see Sage. Her mother only closed up and became more apprehensive with each desperate and misguided attempt I made. I can’t blame her mother any more than I blame myself, but I need Sage to know that none of our seven years apart was because of anything she did or because she wasn’t good enough.
After my family split up, I had my daughter on the weekends. I was devastated, but still strong and confident enough to be my little girl’s hero. A couple years and several failed relationships after being seperated from her mother (my first wife), I found the romance I had always dreamed of… And it was with a girl I hadn’t seen since we were in high school together. Her name was Sherra. To this day she is the basis upon which I judge the love of every other woman.
Sherra and I discussed our future and made plans for marriage and “forever” . She had been asking if we could have a child together, so I impregnated her. I had never been so in love… I thought. 5 months into the pregnancy, shortly after an ultrasound showed us our beautiful unborn baby girl, Sherra left me and I never saw her again. At that point I entered a downward spiral, started using stimulants to get thru the work week and only being sober on the weekends when I had Sage. There came a point when it had gone far enough that Sage’s mother started withholding her and not allowing visits.
Then I started using meth all 7 days of the week. I soon lost my job, and a few months later was evicted. That was the beginning of my seven years away from my daughter… seven years homeless, desperate, addicted and suicidal. During that time I was convinced the problem was me and I was punishing myself for not being good enough to keep a family together… Twice.
I thought since I twice experienced what seemed to be the most perfect romance imaginable, and since I twice lost that seemingly flawless human love… That since I was a failure as a husband, and had gotten daily reminders of all the ways my partners had found me sub par, that I was unlovable… Too much of a mess for anyone to wanna clean up. That thought spread over me like wildfire, and soon infected my relationships with everyone. I no longer felt worthy of my daughter, my family, or my friends. I wanted to die and I allowed my lifestyle to reflect that by destroying myself with drugs, sex and crime.
I have now been in recovery and visiting my daughter monthly for about two years. I need to find a way to repair the bond I broke between us. Sage is my life, my hope, my reason. We used to be nearly inseperable, til her fourth birthday… I truly was her hero and she was mine. I want to have her on the weekends again, to be an active parent and show her she is loved and valued unconditionally by BOTH of her parents.
Sage has become so shy and withdrawn during the time we’ve spent apart… She has been deeply affected, severely hurt because my mental illness, homelessness, addiction and self destructive behavior kept us apart for so long. I’ve been praying this whole time, for God to bring us back together. There was never a point that Sage didnt mean the world to me, never a time when she wasn’t good enough.
I need to find a way to put that happy confident smile she had until age 4, back on her face, but have been having trouble bonding. Her mother and I disagree about what is best for her in that regard, because her mother also grew up without an active father for much of her childhood… She sees no harm in limiting our time together to just an hour or two a month, and sees no benefit to me having Sage on the weekends as I used to. She seems entirely unwilling to consider progressing in any way from this point…
So far in two years of visits I have only gotten the opportunity to have two short ten minute conversations with her alone. Generally her mother is there for the entire visit and controls everything we say or do. Sage and I had several months of therapist supervised visits before the therapist recommended unsupervised visits… But they are never unsupervised. All of our time together is spent under the rule of controlling, overbearing mother. I need any advice or help I can get.
I have no idea where to start the legal process of changing a parenting plan I never even got a copy of or had a chance to read. Despite all the great ideas for dad-daughter bonding I’ve found on the internet and had suggested by friends and family, it seems like any progress we make reverts quickly. My efforts to show her my love have been a priority in my thoughts, feelings, time, finances and all other resources… She is the number one person in my heart, second only to God.
I’ve even sworn off romantic relationships for extended periods and done my best to avoid them in order to be able to focus solely on her. Most of my fixed monthly income goes to visiting her and buying her gifts, and those monthly visits are the one thing I look forward to most.
I apologize for writing so much, it feels selfish to spend so long writing these pleas for help/advice wherever possible online, but I am not doing this just for myself or to vent, I am doing this for the most wonderful, intelligent, caring, sincere and beautiful 12 year old young woman in the world.
-Michael
