Hi Sarah! Great article. I just started writing this comment and …

Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by Martina.

Hi Sarah!

Great article. I just started writing this comment and it turned into an endless post. I do not expect anyone to read it or leave a reply, but I guess I’ll finish it up and post it anyway just as a way of letting go of some steam 🙂 .

I am in a really odd and quite painful situation.

My first-ever memory of my dad is one of him insulting me because I was wearing sweat pants instead of a dress… I was going to play in the playground, and I think I was 4 years old.

My dad used to beat me up for no reason, and I basically spent my childhood and teenage years grounded. I wasn’t allowed to see friends, use my cell phone, watch TV, use the computer, and he even forbade me from doing sports (I used to practice athletics) because I’d skipped school.

He would come home and just take possession and control over whatever I would be doing, be it watch TV or use the computer (I was also being bullied at school, so playing at the PC was one of the only ways for me not to feel under pressure).

He would yell at me for 30 minutes straight, and I remember never looking back into his eyes, even more so because he kept yelling “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”. Because of this, I wasn’t able to look people in the eyes until I was 18-19.

One of his favorite things to say would be, (translated from Italian) “Just the way I made you, I can destroy you”.

I would go out with (my friend’s) friends when I was 14 years old, and I would literally sit at the table and say no single word for the whole evening. I was just drained and dry inside, somehow.

My dad wouldn’t speak to me, sometimes for months on end, as some form of punishment. 99% of the time he wouldn’t approve of whatever I wanted to do, and was always ready and eager to criticize me and my choices, embarrass me in front of his friends or other people, compare me to the other kid who was just better and smarter, beat me some more. I never heard “I love you” or basically any other form of appreciation throughout my childhood and teenage years.

Over the years, my character just worsened (around him, in school, etc.) and I tried to run away from home 3 times, would do whatever in my power to do exactly the opposite to what he wanted me to do, and find a way out of the punishment. I can appreciate that today, because it’s made me one of the most resourceful and strongest women / people I know…but.

Once, I broke my ankle while performing a long jump at athletics. He came to pick me up with his motorbike, all grumpy, and didn’t take me to the hospital. The next day I woke up with a huge, swollen and hurting ankle.

Anyway, at some point he started coming home at 5 am, my parents began to fight often, and one day they finally announced they were going to split (he was being emotionally abusive and cheating on my mom). I felt weird about it – being a 13 year old and having been ‘taught’ what family should be like – but in the end I was so glad they did. I began to breathe.

He remarried after a few years and our relationship started to get slightly better, largely because he was never around and I just wouldn’t tell him things and what I was up to. He also tried to beat me one last time when I was 18 or so, and for the first time ever I yelled back.

My relationships with men have always been a disaster (except for the current one), and I now fully understand why.

However, I do know that he isn’t a bad person. He tried to support me financially, but the money was never there (another mystery to me, since he was a dentist … ) I think he spent all of his money on his lovers. But he did try to do some things for me, like, he bought me an old car on a birthday, and he would take me to skiing trips.

I know he never received the right kind of love from his father. He has billions of friends who love him and support him, yet he behaves like a lousy partner or father.

Rationally, I understand, but it’s hard to forgive / forget / talk about things. We don’t talk feelings. We do small talk. He still rarely approves of me or shows any appreciation of me – even though I’ve obtained a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, have started 2 businesses of my own, have traveled and lived all the world, and am seen as a successful person to whom many turn to for advice.

All of this has been acceptable and OK to cope with over the past 10 years… until last year he had an accident. With his scooter. He fell and now is paralyzed. He wasn’t supposed to ever be able to move again, but now he’s making some progress.

I am torn between some sort of lack of empathy, anger, resentment, and sometimes overwhelmed with pity and sorrow. I don’t see him as often as I should. I feel guilty and very bad about it. But when I go see him, I feel deeply uncomfortable. Is it because I am just so guilty? Is it because he is in pain and he is still my father, after all? Is it because I have fought so hard to be independent and now I am forced to change my life because of this man who has never been able to make me feel appreciated?

I also know everyone in his circle of friends judge me, including his wife, and this is even more pressuring.

I think he has changed a bit now, but initially after the accident was being such a piece of work. He would demand things, be arrogant, insulting – and it wasn’t because of the accident. He’s always been like that. So that made it harder for me to feel empathetic.

I am so confused, and don’t even know if I do want to get over past issues? Do I really want to, am I ready to open that door?

Martina Also Commented

So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
(when I say I don’t see him as often as I should, I mean maybe 1 day-3 days every week or 10 days)