Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by Emily Beach.
Hi Sarah.
Me and my Dad have a rather complicated relationship. When my mother was pregnant with me she made the difficult decision to leave my dad, she did this because at the time he was an alcoholic who had a habit of disappearing for weeks on end. My Mum felt that it was in my best interests and hers to leave.
Once I was born my Mother never stopped my Father from seeing me, and there were times that he would visit but they were very sporadic and not regular. My mother told him that he needed to see me on a more regular basis because at that time I was getting let down a lot by him. After this conversation he disappeared for most of my childhood. His alcoholism was very bad, and it took over his life, I don’t think it should be used as a excuse for his behaviour though.
When I was 15 I met up with him, and it was after our meeting that he went into treatment centre number 17 to recover. When I was 17 we began trying to build a relationship. For a few years it was alright, but there always seemed to be unsaid things between us. He had explained all about his alcoholism and that he was sorry and I think at the time I just accepted it because I wanted have him in my life.
However, when I was 23 I decided to join the Army. During this time I was based overseas, and our relationship seemed to suffer because of this. I began to feel that he wasn’t make enough effort, and this turned into resentment. I got a boyfriend whilst in the Army, and he is loveliest man in the world. I left the Army in 2013, and since then I have felt very differently towards him.
I have met up with him, and told him how I felt whilst in the Army and that when I left I felt like our relationship was at a standstill. Unfortunately he became quite defensive and felt I was blaming him for stuff. I ended up leaving the meeting and we haven’t spoken since. He has texted me but I have felt unable to reply.
I just don’t know what to say, and part of me feels like I don’t even like him. It was so hard to have the talk in the first place, because I didn’t want there to be any conflict and I was worried that he might take it that I was blaming him. I don’t think he really understood what I was saying. I said to him that I didn’t know deep down that he loved me.
If I wasn’t bothered by the whole thing I wouldn’t be messaging you, but your article made me feel like I could ask you for advice. I probably have rambled on quite a lot, and there is still more that I could say, but I think you probably get the gist of it.
How to I forgive him for the past? Can I grow to like and maybe love him? It affects my relationship with my boyfriend as I have quite low self esteem. I want to deal with it and try to move on.
I’d appreciate it if you could offer any advice.
