Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by Stefani.
Dear Sarah,
Thank you for a great article. I can completely relate to N’s issues with her father as I, myself, had a similar upbringing but I did not have the kind of relationship a normal girl would have with her parents. My parents were mostly not around and as I was sent to boarding school in my early teens, I became very independent and developed a very strong personality.
I remember that my father always thought that he loved me dearly and attended to all my material needs. But he did not know I have always craved for his attention but mostly his approval. I always felt that my parents loved and preferred my younger sister more than me. As I entered into adulthood, I had started justifying my feelings and lots of time stopped caring about what my parents thought.
When I was 20, my parents had my youngest brother. Since then my father showed me even less interest but one more stress added on my shoulders. He started insisting that I will be responsible for my younger brother when he grows up because my parents will be too old to take care of a growing boy.
Maybe because I was still very young I took that responsibility to heart and tried too very hard to “act mature”. But that was not it. I became pregnant with my very first male partner at 20 with an unplanned child. I wanted to opt for abortion but actually forced to give birth. Not that I did not love my child but the pregnancy was extremely difficult for me both mentally and physically. Little did I know I was to become a single parent.
While everything was so hard for me to overcome, one more surprise was awaiting me. My father decided to have an affair with a woman who was not so much older than me. He even tried to leave his family. He mentally abused me and my mother. My parents left my 1-year old brother with pregnant me for a while. Meanwhile all this was happening, my father told too many hurtful things; he would have already left us if it was not for my brother.
Well as time went by, I gave birth and things became better but never back to normal. I finished college. While in college, I had suffered once more because of my best friend’s death. I had went through major depression. My father thought I should not have been grieving after “such a loser” whom he resented so much all because my friend supported his “unwanted all failure daughter” 100% at all times.
He even told me then that I do not deserve to be a mother to my daughter. All during these events I was trying to figure out a solution to deal with my daughter’s other parent who happened to be a son of my father’s friend. Excuse my language but that man was too an absolute and complete “asshole” just like my father. I graduated university and started working. Things were getting better but I knew that I was so broken. I could not maintain a normal relationship with a man.
All that I tried ended either so abruptly or hurt me emotionally. I was professionally becoming successful but nothing was ever enough for me. Finally I met my current husband. He was everything that I dreamed of but things started to change a lot shortly after our marriage. He disrespects me, never appreciates me. He has anger management issue which he does not want to do anything about. I am so worried about my children for raising them in such a sad environment.
I used to feel betrayed my husband. He constantly tells me that he wants to leave us and I should not be hurt by him or his words. From time to time I wish I had a supportive father or an older brother to defend me. I am afraid that my daughter will become someone broken like me. Adding insult to an injury my dysfunctional relationship with my father recently has been replaced by pure hatred. He decided that his affair with another married woman has been discovered because of me. He now hates me. I now find myself in a place and situation I would never want to be.
Ever since my father announced his hatred against me for ruining his relationship with his “princess” (he calls her that) mistress, my husband’s mistreatment seemed to become worse. I want to make everything better. I do not want my professional success affected by all the misery in my personal life. I am desperate for help and support. The tiniest bit of positive sign could help me get through this. All I can say is that physical wealth is nothing compares to peace of mind. I am always jealous of people with a peaceful happy life.
