Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by Mark.
Dear Sarah,
My daughter is nearly 16 now, and I continue to worry that my ex-wife’s long negative alienating campaign against me has damaged and continues to harm my relationship with my daughter. When my daughter T was a little gorl, I read to her every night for many years. I was the parent who went to every school event (plays, concerts, open house), every teacher-parent-student conference every equestrian competition. T’s mother saddled her with daily horse chores to care for 4 horses, and I would help her after she started looking exhausted, a lot of work for a 7 year old girl. I taught my daughter to cook, I made things for her, like pretend barns and paddocks. I was the one who hugged her and spent time with her, not my ex-wife. When T was 9 my ex-wife moved out of the house and didn’t see our 2 kids for 9 months, while I had to take care of everything, sell the house, find a rental and provide bedrooms for my kids. My ex is verbally abusive, that’s why I wanted a divorce, to keep her from verbally abusing my kids 100% of the time, which I succeeded in doing. A year after my ex moved out, she started seeing our kids again, but also started alienating them from me by verbally bashing me constantly in front of them, I’m sure of it, because I used to hear our kids in the background during phone calls while my ex ranted and cursed all kinds of false accusations and harmful ideas, forcing the children to listen. My kids grew more quiet, afraid to say anything to me in case their mom would find out and then make their life miserable for speaking to me openly.
Unfortunately, the dynamic continues to this day, only now my daughter is almost 16, has a boyfriend and has assured me they are not sexually active. T has been distracted at school, not performing like she is capable of. I have talked with T about school, emailed her teachers and helped bring her grades back up. T’s mom is good at giving her things, and can build her esteem up but will tear it down again. When T was 10, my ex told her that I was bad and wanted to see my little girl naked, the ex texted T that in my presence, I looked at T’s cellphone and saw it. I told T “I’m sorry honey, your mom should not have texted that, it’s completely untrue”.
Sarah, can you see my plight? I try my best to not feel defeated, and to communicate to my daughter that I love her and I’m there for her in every way, forever. This alienation campaign weighs on me tremendously. I don’t want to lose my daughter’s trust and affection. Every day I take T to High School and give her lunch money. What can I do to improve my relationship with my daughter? I’m a pretty quiet person and am sure I can improve on being more communicative with her.
Thank you,
-Mark
