I’m sorry to read all that, John. I don’t know …

Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by Sarah Best.

I’m sorry to read all that, John. I don’t know either you or your daughter, and haven’t heard her side of it, so I could be wide of the mark here, but this is what occurs to me…

Your frustration regarding your daughter’s behaviour comes across loud and clear in your comments, and I’m not saying it isn’t justified – that’s not for me to judge.

You have done a lot for your daughter and don’t feel she appreciates, respects or values you and your wife. Going by your side of the story, that sounds reasonable and her behaviour sounds quite selfish and unreasonable. But do you want to be “right”, or do you want a happy daughter and a great relationship with her? I’m sure it’s the latter.

When someone else’s behaviour is unreasonable and we feel hurt by it, perhaps even indignant, it’s very easy to get stuck on complaining to them, arguing with them, and wanting them to admit their faults. We’ve all done it, and it almost never makes things better. The more usual result is a power struggle, with both parties digging their heels in. And perhaps never more so than when the grievances are directed from an exasperated parent to an adolescent.

Even though you may be quite justified in pointing out what your daughter has done wrong, what if you told her what she’s doing right, and asked her what you’re doing wrong, and what you could do to make that right? She may really need to hear those words from you.

Your daughter has been suffering from bulimia, and that tells us that all is not well with her self-esteem.

It’s now known that fathers are the single biggest influence on their daughter’s self-esteem. Your job has certainly not been made easy due to the your marriage break-up, the years your daughter did not live with you, and the influence of your ex-wife. But your daughter is still very young and she lives with you now, so there is every opportunity to turn this situation around.

When I hear from women who have unhappy relationships with their fathers – and just from writing two articles about this topic I have heard from so many it is truly tragic – what I hear time and again is that their fathers couldn’t “see” them; couldn’t appreciate their unique qualities as they were too busy correcting their perceived faults. This made them feel unloved and unworthy and I hear almost daily from women, many of them twice your daughter’s age and more, who still feel that way, and put it down to the influence of their fathers.

Many fathers don’t know how to express to their daughters that they are loved and special, and worse still, they have no idea that this is an essential part of their role as her father. No one ever told them that they are the single biggest influence on their daughter’s self-esteem.

It’s very positive that you’re reading Non-Violent Communication. I can’t think of a single women I’ve heard from regarding father issues who would not be extremely moved and delighted if her dad started consistently communicating with her in the way outlined in that book. This is the sort of communication that mends relationships; takes them to a new level.

Sadly, many fathers are not and never will be willing nor able to pick up a book like this much less venture into a new way of communicating, so it’s a big thing that you are. See whether this brings a breakthrough, small or large. It may well. And if it doesn’t then it might be worth considering finding a family counsellor who can help you and your daughter work through these issues.

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