Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by Kellie.
I came across your article while searching for help with my own “Daddy Issues”. I’m 43 years old and have only recently begun to heal from my long existing wounds.
My parents separated when my father took a job 265 miles away. I was 9 years old and thought of myself as a Daddy’s Girl, although by then he spend very, very little time at home before he moved.
After the move, he came back to our home on occasional weekends. We rarely spoke to him between visits, in fact he never called to check on our general welfare. He and my mother had always had a terrible relationship, fighting constantly, but the marriage was supposedly still intact and the separation simply for work reasons. But the fact is I truly cannot recall any loving moments between them. The one time I witnessed them kiss, it seemed so extremely awkward, not just for me to witness, but for the two of them as well.
They simply argued over everything, and verbal abuse was common in the home aimed at my mother, myself and my brother. We also witnessed and experienced a lot of minor physical abuse.
Despite all of the conflict, abuse, and limited time spent with him, I always knew that my daddy loved me. He favored me over both my mother and my younger brother. However, as I now look back, I was an adoring daughter. All I ever wanted to do was please my daddy. Therefore I mirrored him in every way. I parroted his every opinion, and thought him to be the most intelligent man alive. And, having such a big fan who never contradicted or questioned anything he had to say, he gave me adoration in return.
The problems began when I started to form my own opinions. When I started to realize that he had a mistress/secretary and that he seemed to be lying about his life away from us, the seed for my long lasting anger and heartbreak began to grow. I finally was forced to question him and what he had to say. Therefore, the relationship began to sour. I was age 10 or 11 by then and I knew he still loved me, but his abusive ways dominated our relationship. I found that I couldn’t do anything right: my interests were “silly”, I was a “stupid kid” when I offered an opinion different than his own, and he never offered compliments, only judgments, disapproval and punishment.
My grades in school plummeted. Scholastic testing placed me in advanced classes, but I never did any of my homework (My parents never helped with homework anyway, even when I first began getting it. They apparently assumed I was doing it on my own, despite all signs pointed otherwise)and I only passed by making good-enough test scores. As I see it more clearly now, I’m sure I was seeking attention, albeit negative. When I managed to make good or average grades, nobody seemed to make much notice. But all hell broke loose when I brought home D’s and F’s. And I did so pretty regularly.
I did manage to graduate high school, and I have 6 years of college credits as well. But I find that I cannot attempt to reach my set goals in life without becoming paralyzed with the fear of failure at the last moment. I do not have a college degree.
My fear of failure, low self-esteem, and distrust of people in general has left me middle-aged and alone.
As an adult, after my parents divorce and Dad’s third marriage (my mom was #2), my only contact with my father has been at holidays, birthdays and when he called needing something from me or vice versa, though I ask ed very little of him. He now lives 1 hour away from me in a small town and comes into my large city frequently to do most of his shopping.
About five years ago, he finally disappointed me with his lack of concern for me to the point of me cutting off contact with him.
Since then I have been able to function slightly better emotionally. My contact with him in the past always left me either giddy with the sheer joy of his company, or more often emotionally raw and unstable.
I still love him so dearly it seems to be burned into my heart. However, once I removed his ability to hurt me by his own disinterest in my life, and decided that I would now be in control of whether or not to have contact with him, I am slowly beginning to grow stronger, I hope.
I know I have offered a lot of info here, but the relationship is so much more complex than I have described to you. I have gone to counseling on several different occasions, and received very little help from it. I just wonder if you can offer any help.
Thank you for taking the time to read this ( I hope)…
