Sarah, I hope you enjoyed your time away. An update …

Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by John B..

Sarah, I hope you enjoyed your time away. An update for you . . . . My daughter returned to my house today (she didn’t give a reason, and I don’t ask as this is her home, too). After she locked herself in her bedroom for 20 solid minutes watching TV, I knocked on the door, and started a conversation with her. “How did we ever reach such a low point? How did this happen? I’m asking rhetorically, (name), but really, how did this happen?” She could offer no clues in a very disinterested voice. I expressed my thoughts: “It seems to me that you do not acknowledge my existence or your stepmother’s existence in this house enough — there’s toot much avoidance of us, too much non-conversation. Have you noticed that?”

She said she felt that she was behaving just fine. “Well, your actions (I named a few examples) make both of us feel ignored and scorned by you, as if we hurt you in some way when you know we’ve supported you in so many ways. Do you feel the same way?” No, was the answer, as she expressed a view that her behavior was fine requiring no changes. “Well, then,” I said, “why do you spend almost all your time here in your bedroom isolated from the rest of us? We’d really enjoy your company more often.”

Her answer? “Well, dad, 12 years ago you would come home from work with headaches and you’d be in bed pretty early. So what’s wrong with my being in bed?” “Ah,” I said, “the headaches have plagued me, as you know, for decades, and the pain medication made we a bit sleepy leading to an earlier bedtime. I still feel bad about that whole situation but I treated it as well as I could. But that situation has nothing to do with your choosing to stay in your bedroom away from the rest of us today, along with your ignorance of us (lack of “hellos” and “goodbyes”). And it makes us feel very unwanted. If you want us to continue to support you as we have been, then you should treat your father and stepmom properly, wouldn’t you agree, as we’re parents as well as the the ones supporting your educational endeavors?”

Again, she said she felt no reason to change and that I was trying to change her behavior by holding tuition payments “hostage” unless she changed her ways. In so many words, I said that it’s hard to have it both ways — to be willing to take the voluntary support offered to you by us while treating us in an inappropriate manner. She replied that we were withholding things just to get our way. I replied that what we wanted was better behavior, regardless of the circumstances — but that she could not expect such enormous support from people she was ignoring. And so I made it clear: We expect you to get a job, and we expect improvement in your behavior. And I ended the conversation. The book arrived a few hours later, and I have started to read it (it seems very useful). My guess is that in the near term that my daughter now has even deeper resentment towards us (which I expected, because I asked her to accept responsibility and to alter an unacceptable & destructive behavior pattern). I think she’ll probably spend more time with her mom and less time with us. But if she wants our help, then she knows what’s expected of her. She wants to say she’s an adult? Then she must act like one, and stop finding ways to justify bad behavior or flat-out lie to us. I welcome your thoughts.

John B. Also Commented

So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Sarah, thank for the advice regarding the, “Loving What Is,” book ( re: my 20 year-old daughter and our seemingly broken relationship, et al). After I read the book, and have a chance to speak with my daughter (using the non-violent communication techniques), I will report back. That could be in another 3-4 weeks, so we’ll see what happens. Again, I thank you for your advice.

John B.


So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Sarah, it’s John B. here. It appears that my 20 year-old daughter is distancing herself from me. She hasn’t spent a single night at my house in a month, and uses her mom’s residence as her preferred location. She stopped by my house just once since Oct. 23, when she came over on Nov. 17 to collect some more of her clothes. She only stayed for around a half-hour then she left. We exchanged a few pleasantries but that was it — I was hoping she might open up a bit or hang around a bit longer. So I never got the chance to talk with her.

Her mom (my ex) is not very communicative with me about what daughter is doing, but she is surely not seeking any sort of new treatment for her eating disorder or related psychological matters. And I worry about all of this. It seems as though she prefers the path of least resistance — running away from a challenge — rather than being the “adult” she proclaims to be. I am clueless as to how to get her to listen to me again.

I want her to be safe. I want her to succeed. But she cannot be ignorant of other people and treat her own father (me) with ignorance, and she cannot ignore responsibilities. Her immaturity is showing, and I fear that her mom (my ex) is a very poor role model to help correct this behavior. And the ex, by definition, is surely not a member of my fan club, although we have a cordial relationship at times.

So, Sarah, I’m prepared to talk things through with this very confused 20 year-old, but she has to be willing to acknowledge her own shortcomings if we’re to fix things. No parent is perfect, and I’ve made mistakes. I’ll admit them to anyone. And I made some mistakes at age 20 — but nothing anywhere near the train wreck she might be headed towards. I wish she could see herself through my eyes for just a day or two. If somehow that were possible, I think she might might see that she’s been blind about so many things for a while.

All help and advice appreciated.

Thank you!

John B.


So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Sarah, you said those famous words: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” You are correct, naturally. Of course, I could turn that around and ask my daughter why she insists on standing on principle so much — even when she’s obviously wrong (not just my opinion, but there is a bros consensus bout this) == or else choose to be happy? Perhaps it’s harder to see that distinction and many other things when you’re only 20 years old. What we plan on trying is a mix of tough love (we have to say “no” to many things just because that is the proper answer) combined with empathy and concern. The hope is she will see that hearing a “no” has NOTHING to do with how we feel about her. Surely, no one would suggest trying to “buy” a person’s affection by giving them things or bending to their will on every issue — and even if we did those things, it wouldn’t teach her a thing. So we will use empathy, better listening skills, some items from the book, our natural love for her, and some tough love to get through this. We’ll see how it plays out. Part One should be known over the coming weeks, then we can re-assess.

Thank you so much!

John