Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by John B..
Sarah, I read the article and it was spot-on accurate. I also ordered the book you suggested, and it should arrive tomorrow. You mentioned nutrition, and I agree with you on this — it’s funny that you mentioned it because just this pst July, daughter revealed she is bulimic. NO ONE had any idea. She said peer pressure to get friends led to it, and that it was not a function of the divorce i went through with the first wife (her mom).
She has improved her nutritional habits and getting psychological care as a result — but she refuses to take the anti-anxiety meds and anti-depression meds prescribed by the psychiatrist. And although old to stay “clean and sober,” it appears that she has been drinking this past weekend while away visiting a friend. She left here Thursday evening, visited the friend, returned Monday, and stayed over her mom’s house (not wanting to come here to my hues, I guess).
I think her mom coddles her and gives in to her far too easily. And while I was guilty of people-pleasing behavior, too, at times, I now see that such behavior is counterproductive. This is why I had a short talk with the daughter on Thursday regarding responsibility and adulthood and how they go hand in hand. I plan to have another talk with her regarding proper household behavior upon her return here, if, indeed, she does return here. I have a feeling we’ll see her tonight or tomorrow.
And then we’ll see where things go. But we have fulfilled every obligation and commitment, including full emotional support, for her bulimia. She is not overweight, not too thin. You’d never know she had this condition. But as we all know, eating disorders are rooted in psychological disorders — whether through therapy, medication, or both.
Her therapists claim she has made progress. She’s made some progress, but you can’t choose which rules you want to follow if you want to beat an eating disorder. Again, this is an example of a 20 yr-old exhibiting adolescent behavior, rebelling against authority while claiming “entitlement” to certain privileges. So, we continue to work through this. Any additional comments would be helpful from you. Thanks.
John B. Also Commented
So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Sarah, thank for the advice regarding the, “Loving What Is,” book ( re: my 20 year-old daughter and our seemingly broken relationship, et al). After I read the book, and have a chance to speak with my daughter (using the non-violent communication techniques), I will report back. That could be in another 3-4 weeks, so we’ll see what happens. Again, I thank you for your advice.
John B.
So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Sarah, it’s John B. here. It appears that my 20 year-old daughter is distancing herself from me. She hasn’t spent a single night at my house in a month, and uses her mom’s residence as her preferred location. She stopped by my house just once since Oct. 23, when she came over on Nov. 17 to collect some more of her clothes. She only stayed for around a half-hour then she left. We exchanged a few pleasantries but that was it — I was hoping she might open up a bit or hang around a bit longer. So I never got the chance to talk with her.
Her mom (my ex) is not very communicative with me about what daughter is doing, but she is surely not seeking any sort of new treatment for her eating disorder or related psychological matters. And I worry about all of this. It seems as though she prefers the path of least resistance — running away from a challenge — rather than being the “adult” she proclaims to be. I am clueless as to how to get her to listen to me again.
I want her to be safe. I want her to succeed. But she cannot be ignorant of other people and treat her own father (me) with ignorance, and she cannot ignore responsibilities. Her immaturity is showing, and I fear that her mom (my ex) is a very poor role model to help correct this behavior. And the ex, by definition, is surely not a member of my fan club, although we have a cordial relationship at times.
So, Sarah, I’m prepared to talk things through with this very confused 20 year-old, but she has to be willing to acknowledge her own shortcomings if we’re to fix things. No parent is perfect, and I’ve made mistakes. I’ll admit them to anyone. And I made some mistakes at age 20 — but nothing anywhere near the train wreck she might be headed towards. I wish she could see herself through my eyes for just a day or two. If somehow that were possible, I think she might might see that she’s been blind about so many things for a while.
All help and advice appreciated.
Thank you!
John B.
So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Sarah, you said those famous words: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” You are correct, naturally. Of course, I could turn that around and ask my daughter why she insists on standing on principle so much — even when she’s obviously wrong (not just my opinion, but there is a bros consensus bout this) == or else choose to be happy? Perhaps it’s harder to see that distinction and many other things when you’re only 20 years old. What we plan on trying is a mix of tough love (we have to say “no” to many things just because that is the proper answer) combined with empathy and concern. The hope is she will see that hearing a “no” has NOTHING to do with how we feel about her. Surely, no one would suggest trying to “buy” a person’s affection by giving them things or bending to their will on every issue — and even if we did those things, it wouldn’t teach her a thing. So we will use empathy, better listening skills, some items from the book, our natural love for her, and some tough love to get through this. We’ll see how it plays out. Part One should be known over the coming weeks, then we can re-assess.
Thank you so much!
John
