Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by John B..
Sarah, I will read the article and I thank you immensely for your advice. This is a daughter who has built up a wall of resentment based upon half-truths and misperceptions gained from her lack of perspective plus poisonous remarks from the ex. She runs to the ex for emotional support, but the ex gives her no financial support. Indeed, when my daughter was still bound by the marital settlement agreement and had to reside primarily with her mom, she pleaded with me on three separate occasions to come live with me and my wife! Of course, the ex would not let her do so, so it was a moot point.
The latest request from her to live her was in 2010. The MSA expired in 2011, and she is free to live where she wishes. She chooses to live with me, but I think that might have more to do with the convenience of my location relative to certain activities in her life right now. SO my home is merely an address of convenience for her. She might as well be a tenant! Given how she ignores us and treats us with disdain despite all we provide for her (including emotional support when she needed it on many occasions) this is all so very strange.
I will read the article. I’ve already had one talk with her and plan another. If anyone is gong to lash out, it will be her. I plan on staying completely calm. Clearly, she is an adolescent in adult’s clothing, and only she can make the changes she needs to fix herself. Her mom won’t tell her she’s wrong! I have to do so, and she won’t believe me. So far, she has her therapists bamboozled. Oh, and the shrink prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depressants for her, but she refuses to take them. Not very adult-like behavior.
John B. Also Commented
So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Sarah, thank for the advice regarding the, “Loving What Is,” book ( re: my 20 year-old daughter and our seemingly broken relationship, et al). After I read the book, and have a chance to speak with my daughter (using the non-violent communication techniques), I will report back. That could be in another 3-4 weeks, so we’ll see what happens. Again, I thank you for your advice.
John B.
So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Sarah, it’s John B. here. It appears that my 20 year-old daughter is distancing herself from me. She hasn’t spent a single night at my house in a month, and uses her mom’s residence as her preferred location. She stopped by my house just once since Oct. 23, when she came over on Nov. 17 to collect some more of her clothes. She only stayed for around a half-hour then she left. We exchanged a few pleasantries but that was it — I was hoping she might open up a bit or hang around a bit longer. So I never got the chance to talk with her.
Her mom (my ex) is not very communicative with me about what daughter is doing, but she is surely not seeking any sort of new treatment for her eating disorder or related psychological matters. And I worry about all of this. It seems as though she prefers the path of least resistance — running away from a challenge — rather than being the “adult” she proclaims to be. I am clueless as to how to get her to listen to me again.
I want her to be safe. I want her to succeed. But she cannot be ignorant of other people and treat her own father (me) with ignorance, and she cannot ignore responsibilities. Her immaturity is showing, and I fear that her mom (my ex) is a very poor role model to help correct this behavior. And the ex, by definition, is surely not a member of my fan club, although we have a cordial relationship at times.
So, Sarah, I’m prepared to talk things through with this very confused 20 year-old, but she has to be willing to acknowledge her own shortcomings if we’re to fix things. No parent is perfect, and I’ve made mistakes. I’ll admit them to anyone. And I made some mistakes at age 20 — but nothing anywhere near the train wreck she might be headed towards. I wish she could see herself through my eyes for just a day or two. If somehow that were possible, I think she might might see that she’s been blind about so many things for a while.
All help and advice appreciated.
Thank you!
John B.
So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Sarah, you said those famous words: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” You are correct, naturally. Of course, I could turn that around and ask my daughter why she insists on standing on principle so much — even when she’s obviously wrong (not just my opinion, but there is a bros consensus bout this) == or else choose to be happy? Perhaps it’s harder to see that distinction and many other things when you’re only 20 years old. What we plan on trying is a mix of tough love (we have to say “no” to many things just because that is the proper answer) combined with empathy and concern. The hope is she will see that hearing a “no” has NOTHING to do with how we feel about her. Surely, no one would suggest trying to “buy” a person’s affection by giving them things or bending to their will on every issue — and even if we did those things, it wouldn’t teach her a thing. So we will use empathy, better listening skills, some items from the book, our natural love for her, and some tough love to get through this. We’ll see how it plays out. Part One should be known over the coming weeks, then we can re-assess.
Thank you so much!
John
