Comment on So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today by John B..
As a dad, I am challenged by a 20 yr-old daughter, one of two kids from a 1st marriage that ended because the ex filed because “she was no longer in love with me.” I saw the kids on weekends, never missed key events in their lives (daughter was 10 when we separated), and both kids came to truly like the woman I met several years later whom I married (with their approval). But that same daughter, now 20 yrs old, as I said, resents me intently, blaming me for everything — even though I provided for the kids, gave them love and affection, and they grew closer to me and my new wife. Daughter now believes I’m “too logical” (actual quote), too focused on money (I am unemployed and we’re trying to conserve cash), and that it’s fine to treat both me and my wife with disdain and ignorance. Yet she lives under our roof by her own choice! We paid for her to go to college and she flunked out. We plan to pay towards her next schooling activity, but do we get gratitude or thanks? No! I get accused of lecturing her, and I get blamed for things she brings up from the past (5-7 years ago that are based upon half-truths and hearing my ex tell the daughter certain things). How can I overcome this? She wants to be treated as an adult with adult privileges yet accepts very little responsibility for anything. HELP!
John B. Also Commented
So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Sarah, thank for the advice regarding the, “Loving What Is,” book ( re: my 20 year-old daughter and our seemingly broken relationship, et al). After I read the book, and have a chance to speak with my daughter (using the non-violent communication techniques), I will report back. That could be in another 3-4 weeks, so we’ll see what happens. Again, I thank you for your advice.
John B.
So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Sarah, it’s John B. here. It appears that my 20 year-old daughter is distancing herself from me. She hasn’t spent a single night at my house in a month, and uses her mom’s residence as her preferred location. She stopped by my house just once since Oct. 23, when she came over on Nov. 17 to collect some more of her clothes. She only stayed for around a half-hour then she left. We exchanged a few pleasantries but that was it — I was hoping she might open up a bit or hang around a bit longer. So I never got the chance to talk with her.
Her mom (my ex) is not very communicative with me about what daughter is doing, but she is surely not seeking any sort of new treatment for her eating disorder or related psychological matters. And I worry about all of this. It seems as though she prefers the path of least resistance — running away from a challenge — rather than being the “adult” she proclaims to be. I am clueless as to how to get her to listen to me again.
I want her to be safe. I want her to succeed. But she cannot be ignorant of other people and treat her own father (me) with ignorance, and she cannot ignore responsibilities. Her immaturity is showing, and I fear that her mom (my ex) is a very poor role model to help correct this behavior. And the ex, by definition, is surely not a member of my fan club, although we have a cordial relationship at times.
So, Sarah, I’m prepared to talk things through with this very confused 20 year-old, but she has to be willing to acknowledge her own shortcomings if we’re to fix things. No parent is perfect, and I’ve made mistakes. I’ll admit them to anyone. And I made some mistakes at age 20 — but nothing anywhere near the train wreck she might be headed towards. I wish she could see herself through my eyes for just a day or two. If somehow that were possible, I think she might might see that she’s been blind about so many things for a while.
All help and advice appreciated.
Thank you!
John B.
So you grew up with a dad who didn’t know how to express love? Here’s how it could be affecting you today
Sarah, you said those famous words: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” You are correct, naturally. Of course, I could turn that around and ask my daughter why she insists on standing on principle so much — even when she’s obviously wrong (not just my opinion, but there is a bros consensus bout this) == or else choose to be happy? Perhaps it’s harder to see that distinction and many other things when you’re only 20 years old. What we plan on trying is a mix of tough love (we have to say “no” to many things just because that is the proper answer) combined with empathy and concern. The hope is she will see that hearing a “no” has NOTHING to do with how we feel about her. Surely, no one would suggest trying to “buy” a person’s affection by giving them things or bending to their will on every issue — and even if we did those things, it wouldn’t teach her a thing. So we will use empathy, better listening skills, some items from the book, our natural love for her, and some tough love to get through this. We’ll see how it plays out. Part One should be known over the coming weeks, then we can re-assess.
Thank you so much!
John
